…to live can bear almost any how.

Sometimes, and quite frankly recently, “Life [feels] indistinguishable from effortful maintenance.” Recently, and hopefully, mostly in my rear-view mirror, I’ve been down in the dumps about life. I’ve struggled with many circumstances I can’t control. There were many things I had planned and many directions I thought I could go. Those plans were canceled and most of those directions lead elsewhere now. I’ve been left stuck in the in-between waiting for the next thing big life event to happen. Waiting and hoping that maybe that next destination will bring happiness.

Coming out of Officer Candidate School I had a 6-month wait back home until my Infantry Officer training. Now, after recently completing that I am at home again with what was supposed to be another 6-month wait, turned indefinite due to COVID. I’ve been living life in these 6-month blocks of major life accomplishments followed by blocks of seemingly nothing. I’ve felt irritated at times knowing that I would have to wait through a block of nothing until I had a chance to tackle the next major life accomplishment block. However, in reality, these blocks of time weren’t really “nothing.” The problem was my mindset. Any amount of time that you have, no matter how long or short, is an opportunity and I lost sight of that. Lamenting on that, I wrote this as my New Year’s resolution for 2020:

“This past year I’ve been really guilty of letting time slip past me. I’ve been in between major life events and have just been trying to pass the time until I can get those major life events taken care of and accomplished. However, I really forgot to live while passing that in-between time. I forgot to live in the present and assumed I could have fun in the future when those things are out of the way. There is never as much as we think and nobody is promised tomorrow. This year a major resolution of mine is to live in the present and enjoy the small things.”

In hindsight, it’s amazing to me that I wrote this because it is a message I need now more than ever. Regardless, it’s been hard to stay true to that resolution, especially with so many things changing and being outside of my control. However, having that resolution in my notes is a good reminder that it is always good to stop and smell the roses! I’ve been trying to appreciate what I have got in the here and now, but more than that I need to take advantage of the time I have now for the opportunity that it is. It isn’t the life-changing opportunity that I want it to be, but maybe only because I’m not treating it that way?

I’ve rewritten and deleted this post several times trying to figure out the right way to word this post and tie it into some coherent glimmer of hope, but I’ve struggled to find the right words. Instead, I will leave you with some words of wisdom from someone much smarter than myself, my Jiu Jitsu coach.

One evening after class my coach took the time to talk to us about it being okay if you are struggling or going through a tough time in light of the current circumstances. To provide some context, he is a LLMSW (Master’s degree in social work) and a professional therapist. He talked primarily about how important it is to have goals. He, himself, is a two-time Jiu Jitsu black belt national champion, which were obvious goals for him at the time. He went on to say that the goals he had before COVID were not the same as the ones since. It took some introspection, but he was able to determine some new goals that would help him be the man he wants to be while still fitting within the limitations of our current circumstances. Despite being a two-time national champion, it took COVID for him to achieve his goals of quitting video games and eating sweets. While being a national champ is cool, which is more beneficial to him long term? For his overall wellbeing for the rest of his life, unarguably no sweets or video games is! You need to have a why! You need to identify some meaning in your life. For him, it was to be a better, healthier (mentally and physically) husband and father.

The same night he gave that speech he also left his message on our group page, and it had a positive affect on me so that is what I would like to leave with you those of you reading:

“Evening team, it is amazing getting back on the mats with all of you.
I continue to hear “coach, I am struggling” Struggling with finances, anxiety, anger, sadness, grief, motivation, and just a general sense of feeling lost. Many other things.
I had an interesting conversation with someone who said “I don’t believe (blank disorder) is a disorder, it’s just a normal reaction. While I am not 100 percent in agreement with this, I am in 100 percent agreement with the sentiment. The struggle is part of life. It’s NORMAL to feel lost, to feel sad, angry, anxious, frustrated, it is a troubling time for everyone. Rest assured – I can guarantee you even the steadiest of humans have experienced these things in this environment. There is nothing wrong with you. THERE IS a level to where one might need professional help – that is ok. If you need that, get it.
So much of our life has been put on hold, so many of the challenges we crave have been taken from us (for now). While life is slowly adjusting to a new slightly different normal than we had 7 months ago we are all faced with a universal challenge – the challenge to hold on to our values and aspirations through the storm. Many of our goals seem so far off an we are challenged by the here and now, it is easy to lose sight of what we want, and more importantly WHO we want to be.
Now is not the time to give in or give up. Perhaps your goals have changed, and that is ok, but continue to live a life driven by values – despite
Sometimes we cannot do anything but fall, but how far? How deep will you let the negative events in your life drag you down? Sometimes success is making the fewest mistakes and taking the fewest steps back possible.
Stay strong team and reach out if you need it!”