This next post is a raw copy and paste out of my journal with some notes in parentheses to add some context.

Well, I failed out of RTAC (pre-ranger course). We had our land nav (Land navigation test – compass, map, and protractor to find points out in the woods) retest today and we woke up at 2am to get ready and eat an MRE (Meal Ready to Eat) before we got on the bus. This day went better than the first and I had two points at a reasonable time in the morning but it took so long to get back to the other side of the course, that by the time I did I did not have time to get the other points.

I was praying the whole time that I would find my points and I was praying that I would pass and God delivered a few points to me right after I was done praying but I guess he has other plans. I was only able to find 2 out of the 5 points. We got back and did hygiene and I started to process that I will probably get dropped. That was a complete bummer. We packed up all our gear and I got offered RTLI (a pre-pre-ranger course designed for basic training students) and then to roll into the next ranger class. I turned that down. It would have put me all the way in September ranger class and I can’t wait that long.

I came to the conclusion that the time had kind of passed for me to put everything into ranger. Had I passed RTAC I wouldn’t have left ranger school until I got my tab, but I just don’t have the heart for the extended pre-ranger timeline at this point knowing I have other opportunities that I am excited about. A year ago I was much more physically ready not having come right out of JRTC (previous training I finished recently) and had nothing else going on and all I wanted to do was go to ranger. At this point, I have a final offer to be a border patrol agent that I’m excited about and is my full-time job opportunity. I am really disappointed in myself for not passing ranger school. However, at the end of the day, God has a plan and before I went to pre-ranger school I was contemplating even going once I got my border patrol offer. This made it clear to me what opportunity I should pursue and honestly I am in such a blessed position to have options that cause such a serious deliberation. So it’s on to the next.

I still can’t help but feel disappointed in myself for failing. I’ve never failed a land navigation course in my army career and this just happened to be the one that meant the most to me. It’s unfortunate, but that’s the way life shakes out sometimes. There is also a part of me that is upset and honestly embarrassed that I told so many people that they wouldn’t see me for months and that I would be gone at ranger school. My company commander, 1SG, battalion, and army peers will probably be disappointed. My family, including my retired ranger uncle, and friends who were praying and rooting for me will be sad for me and also probably a little disappointed as well. I’ll show up at the jiu-jitsu gym and people will ask why I’m back already and I’ll have to explain to all these people that I failed. It’s embarrassing and I was not looking forward to it. Honestly, I’m still not looking forward to that, but I’m getting to a healthier mentality with it. I got closer by thinking about a speech Teddy Roosevelt gave. It’s come to be known as “The Man in the Arena.”

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Yes, I have to deal with my failures and with those who might point them out, but at the end of it all, you never know if you never try. Like Roosevelt said if I’m going to fail I might as well fail while daring greatly. So yes I failed pre-ranger school and ultimately my shot at actual ranger school. It doesn’t mean I can’t dare again, but at this moment in time there are other opportunities for me to get in the arena and that is what I’ll do. Ranger school will still be there and I would like to go back, but at the very least I can hold my head up high knowing that I tried.